Tears falling ...

As we wove our way into being together on friday morning .. we found ourselves having a picnic, in a little shed, in Four flats paddock.  We were down the back of the paddock, no one around, safe from the cool wind and settled right in. 

Yoshi had told me earlier in the morning that he had '... so many questions to show me'.

As we sat got comfy together chatted and ate, Yoshi asked me if I remembered, 'The Grand old Duke of York.'  ... which to me, is his was of saying, 'We feel altogether now, I feel good, I want to sing a little song ... and I want to know if you know this one that I love.' 

I did and we sang it together to the delight of the other children who joined in in places, as they've heard this song through Yoshi a few times now.

Ted then asked, 'Yoshi can you sing that one?', not knowing the name and yet really wanting to make contact over this song, he continued, 'You know ... You know Yoshi ... that one .. ?'  Yoshi was looking at Ted and pondering which one.  I  gave them a little space to remember before offering, 'Frere Jacques?' to help them along.   'Yes! Yes!' from Ted and a big smile from Yoshi who has told us it's his favourite song. Ted takes great delight in him singing i,t as he recently knows it too, through Yoshi ... and then his mum Andy singing it to him.

... the children all mellow and enjoying each other and chatting after this ... Yoshi was then enjoying us all being together and quietly singing to himself.

All I could hear was, '... will miss you'.  I listened closely to see if I could pick up what he was singing.

He kept on singing very quietly ... and I couldn't get what his little song was so I asked, 'Yoshi what's that song you are singing?'  He sang the little bit he knew in reply and said, 'I don't know it all.' and he  sang his little bit again.   Me none the wiser, I asked, 'Who sings that to you?'  To which he replied, 'My dadda.'

He sang on and I listened still not knowing what he was singing though feeling this was probably a love song from father to son and then intuited, 'I think I know Yoshi ... is it this one?  Close your eyes and I'll kiss you, tomorrow I'll miss you ...'

Yoshi's face lit up, 'Yes, my dadda sings that one.'

Ted asked, 'How does it go?'  So I sang some more and Yoshi listened and joined in for a bit and next instant big tears came up in his eyes and rolled down onto his face.  He was sitting there wet cheeked and still, looking at us all.  All the other children noticed and little looks of concern came across their faces.  As we just just quietly in that moment being togethe,r Yoshi said to us all with total vulnerability and absolute dignity heart bared for all to see, '... and sometimes I cry when my dadda sings it to me.'   

All hearts were melting.  

Ted asked, needing reassurance that Yoshi was OK, 'Why is Yoshi crying?' 

To which I replied, 'He's just feeling the song Ted.'

Ted  and Ari asked at the same time, 'Is he sad?'

Frieda looked at Yoshi, then at me, then back at Yoshi and you could see she was wondering too ...

Olivia sat there wide eyed and checking out everyones face to try and make sense of things, then snuggled in towards me.

... and as I sat in that momen tand wondered what to give to reassure the other children that Yoshi was ok, even though there were tears,  I remembered an experience I'd had when Rebekkah was young and I thought I'd share that. I felt it would create space for them all to see Yoshi was just feeling how he felt ... we needed space for him just to feel ... and for the other children to be reassured for how they were feeling too.  

To me, Yoshi was just sharing himself and his dadda's love with us ... through that song and those tears.

I said outloud to Ted though really to all.   'Ted I had a song I sang to Rebekkah when she was little that made her cry.  I didn't sing it for her to cry, I sang it because I loved her.  She loved that song and used to want me to sing it all the time ... even though part of it felt really sad to her.  I know it's a bit like that for Yoshi having some tears.  It's a really good reason.  His dadda sings him that song because he loves him and it's telling him to remember that he loves him, even when they aren't together and they miss each other.  Crying doesn't always mean you are hurt or something bad has happened.  People have tears for all sorts of reasons ... it can mean you are feeling how it feels to love someone and miss someone ... like Yoshi does in that song.  

'What song did you sing and make Rebekkah cry?' asked Ted as only Ted could.

'Puff the Magic dragon.  Do you know that song?'

No one did so I sang it for them and when it got to the part where 'Jackie Paper came no more and Puff ceased his roar, I was looking at Yoshi and feeling my love for Rebekkah and remembering how she'd sob outloud so the walls would almost shake at that point ... for the dragon and the little boys loss of each other ... and tears came to my eyes, and I said, 'It's the same for me Yoshi, my tears have come too ...'

In that moment, everything got really still and soft for us all in the wonder of this is how life can be.

(.. and despite the sobbing, every night for a few weeks in a row, Rebekkah would ask me again and again to sing 'Puff the magic dragon' .. I didn't find it easy knowing the sobs would inevitably come.  All she needed was for me to get comfortable myself over that, so she could have the space to feel how that whole story felt to her .. even the really sad part .. that dragon and that little boy and their love for each other .. all of what happened in their magical life.)

We had all entered a very still and deeply connected place together.  Our little shed was now full of tenderness and love.

All the children came in close and Yoshi then bounced up and ... and showed us more of his questions ... he seemed to me to be excited by the affinty of our stories.

Danella do you have a picture of Rebekkah?   Was it a big dragon?   Was it green?  Did it have wings?  Were they wings like ... and he ran his hands off is shoulders like he was stroking large soft gossamer wings ...? Did it have a long nose ... you know one of those long ones that go like that (he showed me)?   Can you show me when she was little and crying about it?   He totally engaged and wanted to know more and more.

The doorway was wide open for everyone to enter even more understanding together now.

'Yoshi, Puff to me has always been a very, very beautiful dragon' ... and we all talked about how he might look. 'I don't have a picture of Rebekkah when she was little.  I can show you one of her now, she is big ... she is 16, almost a grown up now.  No I can't show you her singing and crying when she was little.  I've got a picture of her playing her ukelele though.'

By now all the children, deeply connected in feeling together were all cuddling and snuggling in close while this conversation continued between us all, as Yoshi showed his questions, many more came from eveyone ... with little stories of when tears come threaded between ... and finally ... can you sing it again?

For the rest of the day, it was the most asked question of the day ... especially for Ted and Yoshi who tried to learn it as we went along.

We walked for a while after this time in the shed, and stopped under some trees.  Frieda instantly picked up some sticks and clapping them together, she sang for us all ... totally spontaneous, free and improvised ... with dance.   She was soon joined by Ted and Olivia.   They all sang and danced together.    They were really tuned into each other and while it was a all made up as they went along, it was very beautiful, joyful and harmonious.  

Ari and Yoshi loved it and next thing, Olivia walked up close to me with one stick held down off her shoulder and another across it like a bow and said, 'Look, look .. '.  She swayed and danced with a huge beaming smile as she realised her own creation ... I could 'hear' the strains of her music. I'd say she was playing a viola by the size of the stick as what she held in her hands  and 'played' for us all, was bigger than a violin.

Then Ted and Yoshi sat me down for another few rounds of 'Puff the Magic Dragon' and Olivia and Frieda sponaneously placed themselves in front of us with wood wind accompaniment.

The whole time this was happening ... Ari was just 'in love'.  He twinkles and sparkles and smooches when the love volume increases and his incredible sweetness fills the air.   He asked questions, sang and danced his own little dance and laughed and smiled and beamed love to all like a beacon.

The flow on from our time in the shed was magical.   The bondedness of the children was strong and their lightness of being and joyful little hearts in wonderful harmony together.

Those tears from Yoshi had watered quite a garden for us all.